My mother likes to sit and watch us eat. Okay, that sounds a little creepy, but it isn’t. It is one of the reliable pleasures for a Korean mother to see the people she loves—especially her children—eat. My mom will prepare the meal but rarely eat with us. Instead, she’ll sit and make conversation, ready a moment’s notice to refill a bowl or go out to the refrigerator in the garage and bring in more kimchi.
One of the early fights that Wes and I had went something like this: we’d be at a restaurant and when it came time to order dessert, I’d decide to pass. Wes would order something. When the piece of cake or pie came to the table, I would reach across with my fork and take a bite. This struck him as quite rude.
“But you said you didn’t want any,” he’d say.
“Are you seriously unwilling to share a single bite of your dessert? How selfish can you be?”
And so it went.
In Korean culture, as in many cultures, eating is communal. Eating is sharing is eating. If I’m going across campus to meet a colleague and plan to grab a coffee on the way, it feels natural to ask my colleague if he or she would like one as well. To clarify: it’s not that other people would never do this, but for me, it’s instinctual. I never think, oh, I’m Korean. Let me bring my friend a latte. I just do it. Or, lest you think I’m some amazingly generous person or something, if I don’t feel like bringing a friend a coffee, I make sure I finish my drink before I get there.
In Korean culture, it’s rude to eat something in front of someone else and not offer to share, even if that person chose not to order dessert, fries, or whatever. (I found this excellent video explanation, but it’s for advanced language learners so it’s in Korean with Korean subtitles). 😳
Our current housemate hails from Mexico City and when I told her this story about sharing food, she told me about the time she and her friends ate with two visiting Canadians.
“Why are your Canadian friends so rude?” One of her friends asked her after dinner. “We were all passing our plates around and they just sat there eating their own food.”
I can just imagine them, can’t you? Two white Canadians—for some reason, I imagine them wearing matching red scarves—doing their best to fit in by being polite but missing a big social cue.
The other day, Anna’s boyfriend sent me this little GIF.
[gfycat data_id="gaseousterrifickawala"]“I do that!” I said. “Does Anna do it, too?”
“Every time,” he replied.
A couple of days later, Kate sent a photo of eating dduk guk (rice cake soup, the traditional food of lunar new year) with her boyfriend. He’s a grad student and had a mountain of homework to do, so she got take out and brought it over.
In the matter of food, I’m delighted my girls skew toward their Korean side. Because really, it is an excellent way to be.
Lovely.
As a recipient of many shared treats, I am so grateful. Sharing IS caring and all of that.