Not all who wander are lost…but for the rest of us…

I love nature: hiking, camping, backpacking, and cross-country skiing—I enjoy it all. I also have a rather poor sense of direction. This means that for most outings, I end up relying on someone else (usually Wes) to do the navigating. I’ve traveled miles upon miles, blissfully tuned in to the view, the trees, the birds, and my own peripatetic thoughts whilst utterly tuned out of tracking where I’m supposed to be going.

Which is all well and good and yet a wee bit disempowering, no? So for our last cross-country ski day of the season, Wes decided to power up the trail in one direction and I decided to go in the other. This was the gentlest of “solo” skiing: I was on trails. There were signs. And other people. And cell phone coverage. I had a map. I was going to ski in a big loop.

We need the tonic of wildness…At the same time that we are earnest to explore and learn all things, we require that all things be mysterious and unexplorable, that land and sea be indefinitely wild, unsurveyed and unfathomed by us because unfathomable.

― Henry David Thoreau,

I skied and found myself reveling in the solitude and the pristine beauty of freshly-fallen snow. It turned out that I could be alone in nature and enjoy myself. I traversed out a trail marked Yuba for about 45 minutes until it met Palisades, then started back toward the lodge.

At a fun spot called “Marty’s Hill,” I even took a little detour to practice my downhill turns. I then checked the time and my location. Google maps told me I was .7 miles from the lodge and that it would take me 20 minutes by foot to get there. Perfect. I was set to meet Wes in half an hour. I figured skiing was faster than walking, so I had plenty of time.

I kept going until I came to an intersection and this sign: Big Dipper to Palisades. Ah, good. I planned to stay on Palisades all the way back to the lodge. I zoomed down Big Dipper and kept going, expecting to see the turn for the lodge at any moment.

After about 20 minutes, I took out my phone. Google maps said I was .7 miles from the lodge and that it would take me 20 minutes to get there by foot. Uh-oh. I looked up. And there was the sign for Marty’s Hill. I had somehow managed to double back in a classic groundhog-day-type maneuver.

So, what do you think? Am I ready to backpack solo through Big Sur?

Ash Wednesday

bone marrow transplant sign

Rend your hearts; not your garments.

Joel 2:13

It was only after I had taken a bite of my sausage McMuffin that I remembered it was Ash Wednesday and that I was going to be a vegetarian during Lent. Oops. I had been spending the week with my friend, C, who is in the hospital, which explains both the food choice and the confusion about the date.

Hospital time is strange. It manages to be stressful and tedious at the same time. I lose track of the days. I do some serious “emotional eating.” I tend not to sleep well.

And yet I really loved being there.

As I take my rather feeble first step in my Lenten journey, I’ll be thinking a lot about C in her deep suffering. I’ll also be pondering the moments of grace and consolation I experience when I am at her side.

Yose-mighty

Where: Yosemite (Grand Canyon of the Tuolumne) + Ten Lakes
When: First week of August 2019
Who: This seems as good a time as any to introduce our hiking names – Jake (Wes), Hot Lunch (Bora), Tricky Kate (Kate), Mountain Pup (Anna), and Positive Pierre (Tate)
Overview: 5 nights, 45 miles, 10,000 ft overall elevation gain.
Info on Yosemite back country permits can be found here.

Every backpacking trip is a some mixture of pleasure and difficulty.

Our first day of backpacking aka our last clean day. My go-to backpacking outfit is definitely functional more than fashionable.

In the “difficult” or “annoying” column are as follows: being dirty, sleeping on the ground (and therefore not sleeping well), mosquitos, having to carry all your food, peeing and pooping in the woods. (Depending on your perspective, hiking several miles with a 20-40 lb pack on your back could also be considered “not enjoyable”).

We hiked down from White Wolf campground toward the Tuolumne River canyon.

Nobody likes mosquitos or a bad night of sleep, but the “hardships” of backpacking are part of the appeal. In addition to seeing beautiful places — and we really did see some beautiful places — there is something restful about being reduced to the essentials. Some people hate camping or backpacking because it takes so much effort to do the simplest things (eg cook dinner). But that’s why I like it. Far away from cell service, a backpacking day consists of walking, eating, sleeping. Rinse, repeat. It’s gloriously simple.

Jake and Tricky Kate look happy here and they are. But they are also cold. Very, very cold.
We found a spot to camp above the river. Do you see Jake in his red shirt going down to fill our water bottles?

And of course, we did this in the company of friends. This group was a good one–intrepid and good spirited. Sometimes we talked. Other times, we hiked in silence. There was grace for those (usually me) at the back of the pack or for the one (definitely me) who suffers from a bit of vertigo and is apt to panic at heights.

I knew nothing bad could happen to me crossing this non-bridge. The water wasn’t deep or fast. But I still felt dizzy so Jake helped me out.
The view from Glen Aulin. Photo credit: Tricky Kate.

There was even grace when we realized that we had under-calculated the supplies and that the food would run out before the trip did. On the last morning, Wes ate a handful of dry oats, I skipped breakfast, and each of the young people had a few dried blueberries, three almonds, and some broken bits of peanut butter pretzels.

A very paltry breakfast. Tricky Kate wearing the highly fashionable mosquito net.

Then we hiked seven miles out to the car…and headed directly to a deli for sandwiches. Then we got some ice cream. Then we ate burgers and fries.

Backpacking on Santa Cruz Island (Channel Islands)

Where: Santa Cruz Island, Channel Islands
When: July 4-7, 2019
Who: Bora, Wes, Anna, Kate, Aaron, Angus
Note: make camping reservations via Recreation.gov and boat reservations at Island Packers. (To get dropped off in one harbor and picked up at the other, you can’t use the online reservation system. You have to call).

The biggest factor in planning our 3-night/4-day backpacking trip to Santa Cruz Island (part of Channel Islands National Park) was water.

We planned to get dropped off at Prisoners Harbor and spend two nights at Del Norte backcountry campground before hiking to spend our final night at Scorpion Ranch Campground and getting picked up at Scorpion Anchorage. There would be potable water at Scorpion but until then, we’d have to bring all the water we’d need for drinking and cooking. So how much water would that be?

Given that it was the July 4th weekend in Southern California (read: hot), we opted to be conservative and planned on 4-liters of water/person/day. We knew we could technically get by on much less but since this was a pleasure trip and not mean to be a feat of survival, we decided “more is more.”

A liter of water weighs 2.2 lbs (sorry for the uncouth mixing of metric and imperial measurements). Budgeting 4-liters/person/day meant — that was a lot of water weight to carry. Since we would be backtracking and returning to Prisoner’s Harbor for a guided hike the next day, we decided to cache (aka hide) the bulk of our water and “only” carry 6-liters per person to our campsite.

If you’re feeling like I’m kind of going on and on about the water situation, that’s how much it was on our minds.

Del Norte campsite is three miles from the harbor and 1,500 ft above sea level but getting there involves going up and down and up and down and up, in and out of two canyons. The outstanding views and trail mix with M&Ms kept us going until we reached our destination.

Del Norte campground is a gem, with only four sites and breathtaking views. (1 & 2 are exposed but have a view; 3 & 4 have tree cover).

For dinner, I had brought dehydrated refried beans but had forgotten the ratio of beans-to-water. We ended up with bean soup instead, but–and this is one of the beauties of backpacking–we were hungry and nobody cared. The next morning, we woke up and realized that I had left a bag of the aforementioned trail mix with M&Ms in my daypack (instead of storing it in the food box) and that enterprising bluejays had opened the pack and absconded with our favorite trail snack. Doh! We were all sad about that one. #rookiemistake

The next day, we hiked back to Prisoners and met up with a friend who is working as a carpenter for the Nature Conservancy (which owns the two-thirds of the island that isn’t a part of the national park). Colin was a great host and took us on a hike onto conservancy land (You have to go with a “conservancy guide,” which you can do via the boat company, Island Packers). On the way, we swam at a deserted Tinkerbell Cove (so lovely!) and at Pelican Bay, we had the rather odd experience of enjoying the aqua blue water and the tidepools in the presence of a large yacht flying not one, but two, Trump flags. #peopleareweird

Our host Colin told us to keep an eye out for a rare succulent found only on Santa Cruz Island called Dudleya nesiotica, aka Santa Cruz Island Live Forever. I was eager to see this rare plant, but no luck.

On our way back to our campsite, we picked up more water and — realizing we had plenty — dispatched what we didn’t need to good use.

The next day was our long (10-12 miles, depending on whom you asked) hike to Scorpion. We woke to a heavy fog, but since we would be hiking all day along an exposed ridge, we were grateful for the cover as long as it lasted, which turned out to be until lunchtime.

“Ridge walking” still meant lots of up and downs and we arrived at Scorpion tired but satisfied.

On our final morning, we took a short stroll to Potato Harbor before packing up and catching the boat back to Ventura. Once I got home and downloaded all my photos, Kate pointed out that I had inadvertently captured the rare succulent in a photo without realizing it. I texted this photo to Colin who confirmed that, indeed, this was the rare Dudleya nesiotica. Ah, so much for my power of visual observation.

Thankfully, even I couldn’t miss what happened on the boat ride back.

The drive home from Ventura was long but punctuated by one of the most enjoyable aspects of camping and backpacking: that first large meal after the fact. For us, it was Mexican food in Salinas. Yum.

A deeper rebellion

I read a beautiful essay in the New Yorker by James Marcus who lovingly recounts his father’s last days. As I read, I had a sense of how hard it would be to see my parents—currently in their 80s and healthy— decline in such a way. They might be blessed to die peacefully in their sleep, but one or both of them might go through what so many do: travails of illness that bring intense suffering to their last weeks, months, years.

I rebelled at the thought. NO. I didn’t want them to suffer as the parents of so many of my friends have suffered. And I didn’t want to have to see it.

This Lent, I’ve been ruminating on Peter’s denial of Jesus, which is depicted in all four Gospels. When I was younger, I read this as a kind of cautionary tale. When the chips were down, Peter was ashamed to be associated with Jesus. And then this thought would follow soon after: if someone as bold as Peter chickened out under pressure, what chance did I have in a similar situation?

Someone once told me about a Christian grad student who was in a university math class. As a joke, someone wrote on the board, “[Famous mathematician] is god and [famous math professor] is his prophet.” The Christian grad student stood up in class and said something along the lines of, “there is only one God and Jesus is his son.” In a different vein, I read about the life of missionary physician Helen Roosevere, who served for decades in a clinic in the Congo, was beaten and gang raped by rebels, then chose to return to the Congo to continue serving. To “not deny Christ,” I’ve often thought, must be made up of bold decisions like these. 

These days, I’m seeing Peter’s denial in a different light. If courage and intensity of commitment were what was required, Peter might have done okay. He doesn’t seem like someone to shy away from conflict. In the Garden of Gethsemane, he lunges forward and slices off the ear of the high priest’s servant. So why did he, just hours later, turn away from Jesus?

After all he had been through with Jesus—the miracles, the teaching, the palpable sense that the reign of God was breaking into history—Peter had to confront Christ’s suffering. After all that had happened, was this the way it was all going to end?

Maybe he even had ideas of fighting or rescuing Jesus when he entered that courtyard. As soon as denied Jesus, though, the reality and finality of what is happening seems to hit him. Jesus predicted Peter’s denials and despite the strength of Peter’s convictions, he couldn’t even stop that from happening. He weeps. There is something so deeply human and existentially honest in Peter’s weeping. Utter failure, utter loss.

This Lent, I am pondering how to receive—not deny—Christ’s suffering, as it manifests in the world, in others, and in me.

My favorite thing about being Korean

My mother likes to sit and watch us eat. Okay, that sounds a little creepy, but it isn’t. It is one of the reliable pleasures for a Korean mother to see the people she loves—especially her children—eat. My mom will prepare the meal but rarely eat with us. Instead, she’ll sit and make conversation, ready a moment’s notice to refill a bowl or go out to the refrigerator in the garage and bring in more kimchi.

One of the early fights that Wes and I had went something like this: we’d be at a restaurant and when it came time to order dessert, I’d decide to pass. Wes would order something. When the piece of cake or pie came to the table, I would reach across with my fork and take a bite. This struck him as quite rude.

“But you said you didn’t want any,” he’d say.

“Are you seriously unwilling to share a single bite of your dessert? How selfish can you be?”

And so it went.

In Korean culture, as in many cultures, eating is communal. Eating is sharing is eating. If I’m going across campus to meet a colleague and plan to grab a coffee on the way, it feels natural to ask my colleague if he or she would like one as well. To clarify: it’s not that other people would never do this, but for me, it’s instinctual. I never think, oh, I’m Korean. Let me bring my friend a latte. I just do it. Or, lest you think I’m some amazingly generous person or something, if I don’t feel like bringing a friend a coffee, I make sure I finish my drink before I get there.

In Korean culture, it’s rude to eat something in front of someone else and not offer to share, even if that person chose not to order dessert, fries, or whatever. (I found this excellent video explanation, but it’s for advanced language learners so it’s in Korean with Korean subtitles). 😳

Our current housemate hails from Mexico City and when I told her this story about sharing food, she told me about the time she and her friends ate with two visiting Canadians.

“Why are your Canadian friends so rude?” One of her friends asked her after dinner. “We were all passing our plates around and they just sat there eating their own food.” 

I can just imagine them, can’t you? Two white Canadians—for some reason, I imagine them wearing matching red scarves—doing their best to fit in by being polite but missing a big social cue. 

The other day, Anna’s boyfriend sent me this little GIF. 

[gfycat data_id="gaseousterrifickawala"]

“I do that!” I said. “Does Anna do it, too?”

“Every time,” he replied.

A couple of days later, Kate sent a photo of eating dduk guk (rice cake soup, the traditional food of lunar new year) with her boyfriend. He’s a grad student and had a mountain of homework to do, so she got take out and brought it over. 

In the matter of food, I’m delighted my girls skew toward their Korean side. Because really, it is an excellent way to be.

Real ID

By 2020, we’ll no longer be able to fly domestically with just our driver’s license. We’ll either need a passport or a Real ID. Since my regular license was set to expire, I decided to take the opportunity to apply for a Real ID. Back in November, I made an appointment for January 14 at 2:00PM, and noted it on my calendar.

At 1:30 on the fateful day, I mentioned to my co-worker that I was going to the DMV for my Real ID.

“Okay,” she said. “And you have your documents, right?”

Documents?

I’d assumed that the process for getting my Real ID would be the same as renewing my driver’s license: seamless. WRONG.

I careened down the hill from work to stop at my house to grab my passport, while Wes looked up acceptable documents. A passport would do. A W-2 could be proof of my social security number. A photocopied W-2 would not be accepted. I only had an electronic copy of my W-2 which could be downloaded as a pdf. Would a printout of a pdf be considered a photocopy? Wes told me that I could bring in our car registration as proof of residency. Wait, but didn’t the DMV already have a copy of my car reg? No time to dwell on these questions. I had to make my appointment! I grabbed my passport, printed out my W-2, pulled our car registration from the glove compartment, and hurried to the El Cerrito DMV.

I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of smugness as I joined the much shorter appointment line. Those poor, not-organized people, who had to suffer the DMV without an appointment, I thought. I’d hate to be in their shoes.

I got to the front of the line, stated my name, and presented my papers. Everything was in order. Except–I didn’t have an appointment. Wait, what? But I had made an appointment, hadn’t I? WRONG. (My best guess is that I failed to hit “submit” on the website).

With a sigh I joined the plebeians at the very back of the non-appointment line.

About 45 minutes later, I was again at the counter. The lady there checked that my papers were in order, then directed me to go “stand at number 21.” I looked where she was pointing. A long line–maybe twenty-five people?–snaked back and forth under a big “21.” I sighed again and joined that line. The line wasn’t moving and I despaired. Just then, a different woman called out.

“Who’s here to apply for a driver’s license and not take the written test?”

Four hands shot up, including mine. To my great relief, she directed us to one of many computers sitting unused. I sat down and, a few clicks later, had my confirmation number.

I walked up to the person monitoring line 21.

“Where do I go now?” I asked.

“Go to the end of this line,” she said.

Wait, what? Go back to the end of line 21? Not knowing what to do, I approached the lady who had directed us to the computers in the first place.

“Excuse me,” I said. “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m really confused. Where am I supposed to go?”

She asked me if I had received a green half sheet of paper. I had not. She grabbed one and wrote a number on it. J17. I was to sit and wait to be called.

“And remember,” she said, as I turned away in relief. “Only cash, check, or debit.”

WAIT, WHAT?

Yes, friends, I had forgotten this about the DMV. I had a credit card, Apple Pay, Venmo, PayPal…but no cash and no debit card.

“You don’t know what I’ve been through,” I cried to Wes on the phone. “I’m at the DMV and I have a number but I NEED MONEY!”

Poor Wes. He was in the middle of a work IT crisis. Nevertheless, he agreed to meet me. I sat and listened as the DMV numbers were called, in seemingly random order. B17, A36, C04. J14. Via my FindFriends app, I could see Wes’ dot moving from Richmond and down San Pablo Ave.

J15. I was sweating. J16.

I could see Wes’ dot was here. I called him. He was looking for parking.

“J17.”

I gulped and went to the window. I presented my documents again and watched as the DMV worker looked them over.

“Check and make sure everything is correct,” she said, handing me a printout.

I slowly lifted the paper. “B-O-R-A,” I said, very deliberately, trying to take as long as possible to buy Wes time to get to me. “R-E-E-D.”

And there, in my peripheral vision, I saw Wes rush in. I waved him down and handed me $36 in cash before turning around to head back to work to deal with a phishing scam.

I paid, got my photo taken, and I was done.

It had been a super stressful experience, yet I had gotten what I needed. I felt like a character in a video game battle, bouncing around and nearly thwarted at every stop. And yet, at each moment, someone helped me: a coworker, a DMV worker, my spouse. So was this a good experience or a bad one? I’m still mulling it over, but I’m relieved I won’t have to relive it again until 2024…at which point I will likely have again forgotten that the California DMV does not take credit cards.

My unread bookshelf

It’s hard for me to pass a used book store without buying something. Used books are tantalizingly affordable. “I remember so-and-so telling me about this,” I’d think to myself as I picked up Don DeLillo’s Underworld. “Oh, I really should read her,” I’d say to myself, picking up Isabel Allende’s House of Spirits. In my heart of hearts, I know I’m not going to read many of the books I buy, but that’s not really the point. I love books and I enjoy giving them a home. It’s aspirational.

That being said, for 2019, I’ve decided that I will read one book a month that I own but haven’t read.

“You have enough unread books to do that for an entire year?” asks Wes.

Yes. At the rate of one book per month, I could go for years.

The first book from my unread bookshelf was Yellow, a book of loosely linked stories by Korean-American writer Don Lee. The stories are set in a fictional Northern California town that feels very close to Half Moon Bay or maybe Santa Cruz. All the main characters are Asian American.

Yellow was published in 2001. I tried to remember what “Asian American” literature felt like back then. Before Yellow, all the major literary moments for Asian American lit (as far as I can recall), dealt directly with racial identity in one way or another. The highlights:

Woman Warrior by Maxine Hong Kingston (1976)

No No Boy by John Okata (1978)

Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan (1989)

Native Speaker by Chang-Rae Lee (1995)

And then, here comes Yellow, short stories about Asian American people living in the Bay Area, with problems that intersect–but aren’t solely about–their ethnic or racial identities.

There are so many different kinds of books by Asian American writers today. I experienced Yellow as an interesting book, with some stories stronger than others. Had I read it twenty years ago when it first came out, though, I think I would have been blown away.

The above photo is of a print by artist Jane Mount, a thoughtful and generous gift from friends.

The Artist in Everyday Life

I have many ideas. Too many, really.

Like the essay I want to write about being a Korean immigrant kid experiencing America’s national parks.

Or enrolling in East Asia studies classes via UC Berkeley’s extension program.

Or learning Chinese characters.

But one idea has persisted over several years: the artist in everday life.

I know so many writers, musicians, painters, dancers, filmmakers, and so on, who are serious artists and yet are also living in life’s rich and complicated realities: a day job, caring for children, caring for aging parents, dealing with illness and other traumas.

I would like to equip and celebrate such artists with a website and podcast.

I have the vision, the web and podcasting skills, and even the people I’d want to highlight. Now all I need to find is the bandwidth!

Crossing to Safety

I started reading Crossing to Safety by Wallace Stegner for the very pedestrian reason that it was available for Kindle download from the library, but within the first few pages, I was utterly absorbed. Stegner wrote his first novel in 1937. Fifty years later, he published Crossing to Safety when he was in his late seventies. I loved this book so much — I doubt anything else I read this summer (maybe this year) will surpass it.

Crossing to Safety is the story of two couples and their friendship over decades, with meditations on marriage, friendship, art, and ambition. You will enjoy this book as much as I did if you appreciate

  • Complex, nuanced, compelling characters
  • Beautiful writing about nature
  • Canny observations about aging and how relationships evolve over time

Here’s the New York Times review of Crossing to Safety from September 20, 1987.

Reading Crossing to Safety got me started on a Stegner jag. I read his book on writing and teaching fiction and am currently making my way through the autobiographical work, Wolf Willow: A History, a Story, and a Memory of the Last Plains Frontier, which is wonderful in its own way, especially if you’re interested in a rather protracted history of the hardscrabble life on the plains of Saskatchewan.

Stegner’s most famous book is probably Angle of Repose, which I also highly recommend. I’m going to take his semi-autobiographical work, The Big Rock Candy Mountain, with me on our family trip to San Diego, along with Where the Bluebird Sings to the Lemonade Springs: Living and Writing in the West, a used book I picked up eons ago.

If I get through those books, I will have read a fraction of Stegner’s works. He wrote more than thirty novels, story collections, and nonfiction books.